Betty ford says i'm here all night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
