I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
