Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dignity is for republicans.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
