And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
