hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
