3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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