god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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