There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
