There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
