I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
