just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
