So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
