now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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