She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
