Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found puke in my bra..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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