And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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