last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
there is glitter all over my balls
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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