my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
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Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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