if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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