So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
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Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.