Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?