I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
