The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
