I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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