No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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