Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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