Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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