and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
And then he peed in my hair
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