i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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