I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
