My sheets look like a crime scene.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
