I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
