Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
