So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
