I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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