One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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