jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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