Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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