i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
