my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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