There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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