He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
