OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
