i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
