We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
