we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
