well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
