I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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