I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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