Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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