shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
