it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
did you just send me my own nude
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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