I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
