oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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