I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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