Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Your shirt... Was in my pants
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
