My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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