he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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