sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
