dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
